Why Do people New Year's Resolutions Normally Fail?
For a human being, there is nothing more difficult than successfully making a behavior change - like those above. Second, there is no more powerful a motivator than the power of want. Example: When a young man spends $100 at Valentine's Day for a dozen roses in a flower shop, do you think that he really wants roses?
Resolutions fail because they are rooted in guilt, duty, obligation and the like. Humans will generally do anything so long as a gun is pointed at our heads. Take the gun away, and we will revert to what we want (or like) to do.
In my years with Weight Watchers, I lost count of the times someone would show up as a new member with 50, 75, or 100 lbs to lose in preparation for: a class reunion, a child's wedding - you can fill in the blank. They succeed at making their goal weight. A year after the event, they are back weighing even more than before. Why did this happen? Once the threat of the event passed, the person went back to their old habits and the weight quickly returned.
When we fail at keeping a New Years Resolution, the failure feeds on itself. We figure, if I can't succeed here, then I'm a failure everywhere. Attitudes can get poisoned and eventually, we give up trying all forms of self-improvement.
What Is The Secret of Success?
Fundamentally, success breeds on itself, too. Maintaining a POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE (PMA) requires consistent work. It often requires a conscious effort and the effort required can be huge, at times. It takes work - just like a solid marriage or your relationship with God in your faith. You simply must work at it.
Fill the cognitive part of your brain with PMA. Think of it this way: if your mind is consumed with thoughts of winning, smiling, having fun, looking for the silver lining in every situation, there is little (or no) room left for negativity. It's good for your mind and great for your body, e.g. blood pressure, etc.
Back in 2001-2001, I was detailed to support U.S. Customs at the international border with Canada in Detroit. I was promoted to a position of authority after a few months. When asked my new job responsibilities, I frequently replied by saying that, "I have been put in charge of having fun." Invariably, it brought a smile to the faces in the conversation and lightened up attitudes.
The United States was newly at war. We had been attacked. Everyone was working 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week. It was a tough time. It was even tougher to maintain my PMA.
Keeping a PMA requires that you take tasks rooted in duty and turn them into something that you want to do. Examples:
I don't want to quit smoking. Rather, I want to be smoke-free. I don't want to be looking for a cigarette when I awake each morning or after every meal. I don't want to recoil at the thought of a long airplane flight. I don't want to be remanded to the outdoors in inclement weather to satisfy a nicotine need. I watch others going through that and congratulate myself on how happy I am to be avoiding it.
I really would like the LARGE order of French Fries with my burger. But rather than depriving myself of the fries, I think of how much I like trying on a new pair of Levis at the store with a 32 inch waist, confidently knowing they will fit. I like that.
Mental games, you say? You are right, but they work. People who do this for themselves are successful over long periods of time.
Sounds Like a Bunch of Horse Feathers to me...
When was the last time you were on a traffic stop and the moron talked himself INTO jail? Had it not been for his stupid, poor, boorish behavior he would have gone home. But his mouth and more important, his POOR attitude, got him jammed-up.
In 2004, my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer. At the outset, her doctor told all of us of the importance of maintaining a Positive Mental Attitude. She led the way and kept the entire family positive. It's been nearly 7 years. She is cancer free. She kept her head high and found the silver lining in every cloud that came along.
In my last agency, there was a guy who worked midnights. He remains the most negative, miserable, cranky, mean, ugly, pessimistic person I have encountered in my entire life. He couldn't see the positive in anything. Prior to my knowing him, he had been fired from two prior agencies. He was in his late forties and the only other person who would associate with him was another officer who was almost as miserable as he. People of that genre can poison an entire crew. They taint the pool of workers spreading their bad attitudes. It spills over onto the street.
One must constantly be on guard. When I hear someone else who is whining or complaining, I can unwittingly be drawn in - like a moth to a flame. Likewise, when life's circumstances seem to have dealt me bad cards, it's tempting to start thinking about anger, revenge and other tactics that I will use in retribution.
What I may not realize is that these hurtful, hateful, angry thought patterns pervasively hurt me. Not only do they affect me, but they also affect the one I live with, i.e. my wife.
Did you ever warm some soup and allow it to burn on the bottom of the pot? I have. I figured I could just ladle a bowl or two from the top and it would be fine. My mistake. The taste of burned tomato soup permeated the entire batch. That's exactly what happens to our personalities when we allow negativity, defeatism and hate to creep in.
Good Theory; How Does It Apply in Real Life?
A war story follows...
There is a man whom I know that is serving in his second term as an elected official. Based on the election results, it appears that the public loves him. I helped him on his last election bid. He seems to be very honest, bright, creative and his people speak very highly of him.
Disturbing evidence has surfaced that is compelling. It implicates the official personally along with his top people of corruption, embezzlement of millions in tax funds for personal gain. An ambitious cover-up scheme is in place, to provide protection.
Largely due to a combination of disparate of circumstances, I became aware of what was going on. As a result, said official has made numerous attempts to slander me and has made libelous statements about me. My initial reaction was to become angry and set forth a plan by which I could strike back in revenge. Over some weeks, my anger nearly paralyzed me emotionally. I then realized that I was only hurting myself and changed my course.
I was terribly troubled. I counseled with a close friend about the situation. In an effort to bolster my spirits, he responded with the following message of encouragement:
One thing you don't need to worry about is the respect you have earned. Respect will endure any attack - you are much bigger than these small minded people. The only thing that matters to the guy upstairs is what you do - don't ever change who you are or what you do.
I feel betrayed by the official, whom I thought was trustworthy. I feel angry that my trust was so blatantly betrayed. I feel embarrassed because I have been duped into working to further the personal agenda of a criminal.
But that is past history. I have taken what I have to the authorities. I do not benefit from carrying this burden and therefore have removed myself from it. It was encumbering my ability to see clearly. It was creating a mental burden for me to carry that I did not like, nor did I endorse.
I am in charge of having fun.
So, What Do You Do Now?
Consider some revisions to your New Years Resolutions:
- Have fun
- Find something good in every situation (or at least try)
- Have fun
- Eat fun foods (in reasonable quantities)
- Do what you enjoy
- Have fun!
Be certain that your resolutions include only items that you WANT and will enjoy. You probably have plenty of years with resolutions based in duty and changes that you should make. Take a year off. Put yourself in charge of having fun.
Remember to draw upon your faith. God is a very important part of my life. He helps me maintain my compass. Work hard at keeping (or creating) a POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE. Be guilty of committing Random Acts of Kindness for others whom you encounter.
About a year ago, I received an email on a weekday afternoon. It was from the wife of an LEO in a far-away place. The couple has four young children. He had taken some very knocks at work and she feared he might be on the brink of committing suicide. The email stopped me in my tracks. Since then, there have been dozens of phone calls, emails and other communications. I have been able to find resources near their home of people who could provide immediate local support. While all is not totally fixed, they are about 90% of the way to a complete recovery.
In their recent Christmas card, this message, Thank you for all the wonderful support you brought to our family. It was signed be each of the four kids and the couple at the center of this storm, as well. I do not deserve the credit. The words, deeds and outcomes came from my faith. I was only the messenger, but this shows what can happen when we allow it.
Please resolve now to be happy, enthusiastic, smile as much as you can and have fun. There are other years and times to be miserable. Not today.
This is the time to live life and love your brothers and sisters in arms.
When it's all said and done, it comes down to saving just ONE life.
Happy New Year to all.
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